Computer Jokes !

Understanding Computer Technology

Drug dealers and software developers - a comparison

Drug Dealers ----------------------------------- Refer to their clients as "users". "The first one's free!" Have important Asian connections. Strange jargon: "Stick" "Rock" "Wrap" "E" "Stash" "Drive-by" "Hit (LSD)" "Source" "The Pigs" Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. Clients really like your stuff when it works.When it doesn't work they want to kill you. Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, more potent product. Often seen in the company of pimps, hustlers and low-lifes When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call away, but may be expensive A lot of people are getting rich while still teenagers. Product causes unhealthy addictions. Do your job well and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.

Software Developers ----------------------------------- Refer to their clients as "users". "Download a free trial version..." Have important Asian connections. Strange jargon: "SCSI" "RTFM" "Packet" "C" "Cache" "CTRL ALT DEL" "Hit (WWW)" "Source-code" "Microsoft" Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. Clients really like your stuff when it works.When it doesn't work they want to kill you. Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, more potent products. Often seen in the company of marketing people, venture capitalists and fund managers. When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call away, but may be expensive A lot of people are getting rich while still teenagers. DOOM, Quake, SimCity, Duke Nukem 3D... Damn! DAMN!!!

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Who Is Better On The Computer?

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went off!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

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How to get a Life !

It's never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but trying usually isn't as painful as kidney stones.

Difficulty Level: Hard
Time Required: Years

Here's How:

Let go of the mouse.

Turn off the computer.

Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.

Eat something other than taco chips.

Fart without recording it and putting it up your Web page.

Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.

Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don't tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.

Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible).

Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.

When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.

If you see someone, say "Hi" to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound.

Visit a friend that you haven't spoken to in years because they don't have an email address.

Have ".com" officially removed from behind your name.

Go on a date with someone you didn't meet in a chat room.